damn, boy, you got did get schooled!

ever since I dropped out of ee 354 last spring, I've been followed by a shadowy fear lingering behind the scenes. 354 is a pre-requisite for 434 and, having dropped 354 last spring, the only way I could graduate this coming May would be to take 354 and 434 together, 354 acting as a co-requisite. throughout the summer and last fall I was comforted in the knowledge that other students had been given permission to do this, and that I had a classmate who would be attempting this herself at the same time. still, last semester it was sometimes difficult to concentrate on my coursework knowing that whatever victory I might manage in finishing the semester with good marks could be rendered bittersweet if I was denied permission to take these two courses side by side the following semester.

finally, today, this lingering fear has been decisively dealt with.

shall this student be allowed to take 354 together with 434?

434 instructor: yes
ece department head: yes
associate dean: no

verdict: no

the girl I referred to earlier was given permission since her final failing grade of 'D' confirms that she had been in 354 till the end, whereas my withdrawal 'W' indicates I was not. their logic is sound, I've no reason to be angry with the associate dean, he's doing his job of maintaining the integrity of the college such that the program will be ensured continued ABET accreditation.

it is a major blow, pushing my graduation back an entire year till May 2010 on account of a single 4 credit course, since it's only offered in the fall. it makes me wish I'd never dropped the course, or at least consulted with the prof. beforehand, especially since she told me afterward that she was confident I would've done fine. I should've trusted my history of earning better grades than I anticipate.

I can't help but wonder if I have an aversion to success. maybe, inexplicably, I was hoping this would happen.

I've never wanted to leave fairbanks more than now. my adviser predictably advises against dropping out of the program, but I've long known that I could not wait a further year to graduate. I want to move away from this place. I don't know to where. possibly a foreign country, though it's unlikely I could become a citizen of any of the countries I'm interested in. after all, I'm sure that being 13 credits shy of a bachelor's of science in electrical engineering is reduced to high school graduate as far as immigration officials are concerned. this place makes me sick. the university was the only thing keeping me here.

update, jan 28th: the associate dean reversed his decision, thereby restoring my May 2009 graduation. I got the phone call just a couple hours after dropping off a letter of appeal to the dean's office. it's funny, though, since the associate dean's change of mind was totally independent of my appeal to the dean. upon hearing the good news, I called the dean's secretary, informing her that the issue had been resolved, and asked that she dispose of the letter before the dean arrived at the office, not wanting to jeopardize my good fortune by unleashing the unknown consequences of the associate dean being contacted by his superior about an issue he had already resolved in my favor.

no dirty dishes

these past few days I've been eating out of habit, not out of hunger. a glance at the clock. a cursory check of short term memory: how long has it been since my mouth was occupied with food and my jaws occupied with the chewing motion? this sort of thing has happened before, I am not concerned. maybe this is a manifestation of being anxious. maybe this is subconscious conditioning for homeless living. maybe this is evolution at work.

uaf status entry

seven eighths through. I'm hopeful that the prospect of graduating in may will motivate me to at least pass all four classes that remain. schedule for the spring:

course (credits)
EE 354 Engineering Signal Analysis (3)
EE 434 Instrumentation Systems (4)
EE 493 Sustainable Energy Systems (3)
ESM 450 Economic Analysis & Operations (3)

the best thing about next semester is I only have one lab course. the worst thing is EE 354, which I dropped out of last year.

"this is gonna hurt, just briefly"

the idea of working as an ambulance EMT is becoming more and more attractive. so much so that it's beginning to motivate me to get a driver's license. two things: 1. while even most emergency cases might not be life threatening in the time spanning the ambulance ride, some certainly are, and EMT is one of few professions where your actions can be so immediately perceived as a barrier or passageway between life and death. 2. I expect that within a couple years of this type of work, I'd begin to think of strangers as mere bodies, not people. or, at least, first as bodies, second as people. personal friends I've known for years would retain their character and depth of person, and new people I got to know well would develop these qualities over time, but everyone else I would perceive as vessels of blood and water. I would see them as objects of remarkable complexity, with inputs, outputs, fluid pressure variability, bearers of interconnected systems, etc.

pickpocket

my poor financial management skills have been given more funds to play with; I've received another scholarship. my perplexing success in this domain makes me wish I'd started applying for free money much earlier in my college career. in april I meet with my private scholarship sponsors for breakfast at a pomp and circumstance recognition ceremony. since this scholarship was targeted exclusively for engineering undergrads, I'd like to tell these people that I have no job prospects related to my major and that I intend to become a high school substitute teacher for math, physics, and english. why? so that, sitting across from them, I might witness faint expressions of dread on their faces, dread resulting from a combination of disgust that their money has been wasted on so undeserving a candidate and the knowledge that, once granted, the gift cannot be rescinded.

still image with red salt

I apologize in advance for the content of recent posts being mere summaries of what I've been doing. this one is not different. 

we went out to the living room theater and saw let the right one in. best movie I've seen in a long time. if you haven't seen it yet, don't. wait till we can watch it together.

I recovered from a brief cold the day after my family returned home. it's unlikely there's a connection, but I'd like to think there is. if the cold had persisted, I'm confident I could have still walked into the chill wind and rain of portland nights, wrapped in the warm arms of a fever. as it is, I bought a rain jacket and my sinuses are clear.

after the tween vampire flick we went to a pizza joint. I got a slice of olive/mushroom + breadsticks. since I was chewing when the breadsticks arrived, I indicated with my hand rather than verbally that everyone was welcome to them, this invitation fascilitated the girls reaching across and tearing off a piece or two of the baked dough and dipping into the blood red sauce. the music there was above average, imo. during a particularly impressive track, I went to the counter and was informed that the band was 'black dice'. I write this mostly for my own personal future reference.

upon entering the flat I downed two cups of water and am now thirsty for a third.

the current state of affairs

I'm staying with pat, suzette, avtar, savage, and dimn, the latter two being cats. it is a good life. today I finished the poor mouth, subtitled a bad story about the hard life. it's by the author of at swim-two-birds and was checked out by pat at my recommendation when we were at the library, this library's copy of the second book not being shelf available. it is translated from traditional gaelic, though worth reading just the same on account of the consistency of the narrator's tone and the abundance of fine humor. to quote john updike "Patrick C. Power has performed sorcery in translating a work so specific in its allusions and exotic in its language. again and again, so consistently that we come to take it for granted, Mr. Power re-creates Gaelic music in English."

I could move to portland in an instant. the public transit system here gets praise, though downtown and most things of interest are a pleasant distance walk from the apartment. I access that area via portland state university campus, thick with the walking of like-aged liberal youth. I spent some hours at powell's, the nation's largest independent book retailer. I bought two books recommended to me by people I think highly of, and two books by my favorite author up till then lacking in my collection.

last night three of us went out to dinner with suzette's real father, a kind man good for conversation who picked up the tab also. later that evening, back home at the apt., we were visited by three raccoons, whose wishes for cans of cat food were enthusiastically granted by pat. they're admirable creatures in both appearance and manner. I've not seen the use of paws approaching as closely the likeness of hands in any other wild animal.   

the music scene is very healthy here. concerts spill into the weekdays because the weekends afford too little time. tomorrow night I'll check out a "compelling computer composition competition" at a place across the river in southeast.